To Be Fair: A Perfect Lie

Time's the revelator.

These last few weeks have been turbulent. Physically. Emotionally. Spiritually. There have been days when I could have blinked my eyes and been, at least momentarily and by absentia, a Christian, basking in the glow of the savior's unconditional love (while ignoring the sting of his father's unconditional scorn). Pushed, pulled. His love is like a see-saw, baby.

There have been days when I could have stayed in bed, a pool of my own filth from not having showered the night before, the night before (the night before?). The point of getting up, though, is to not waste a day. Yet I've wasted days. Before this box, with Net-Flix: L Word, X Files, Nip/Tuck. LOST.

It's a presence that affects me. It's been trying to push itself out, through my pores, the press of my kidneys, the inner lining of my walls, my fifth point of contact. It's an obsession that I can sometimes control. I tell myself I'm living for me. I tell myself I'm living life the way I want to. I tell myself I'm doing what I've always wanted to do. I feel sexy. I feel confident. I feel independent.

I feel like a fraud, on days like today. I look back on the months I've spent here in complete ignorance of some things, incomplete knowledge of others, alternatingly blissful and tormented, and I wonder how I managed to wrestle the presence into such a tightly-confined space, at the furthest outreaches of my consciousness, bound up with abjection. On days like today, the presence is a warm, velvety, glowing orb of light situated so centrally that, as a result, I must look through it to see everything else. It hinders and interprets my visions. It filters all introjective missives, allowing those that fit its agenda, forbidding those which make good and perfect sense.

I'm not an empty vessel, created just to house this presence and let my Me parts hover about its comforting radiations. I am an empty vessel, just not for this.

(The most completely filled I've ever felt was when I was completely filled with sadness. No other emotion can quite saturate my entire being and penetrate the depths of soul as this one. I know I'm not alone, but when I'm there, I feel it. I feel more than anything when I am there. I feel the most I've ever felt, the most of myself I've ever known, when I am there. It's the worst place in the world, the fullness of myself in sadness.)

I've got to tell myself something that will irrevocably connect myself to the deepest part, to see that I'm already filled, to acknowledge what fills and completes me, then to embrace, believe, accept all the good that I already am.

"If you bring forth what is within you, what is within you will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what is within you will destroy you." -- Jesus (The Gnostic Gospels)