Friday, February 29, 2008

Lama Sabachthani

"Good Lord; the thing's finally done," she said, closing the laptop lid with three finger pads and lowering the sleek, black machine to the floor.

A black-brown kitten, nearly a cat, purred gracefully by, her head slightly smaller than her growing body demanded. Her brother, King Solomon, reached his curved mittens toward the edge of the sunlit desk he’d just cleared of all contents; they lay scattered on the carpet, along with a half-dozen, half-chewed dog toys, this week’s shoes, an overturned cat condo, and a laptop.

She snatched back the laptop, its fan whirring in protest, and opened the cover, it’s wide mouth revealing her link to the outside world. She got out; sure, everyone gets out. It was the week before midterm, which was the week before Spring Break, and she was six-weeks’ weary and ready to close her eyes for a while. Two years of graduate school brought it’s share of eye strain, but if you ask her, she’ll claim she “has vision loss” in her right eye, which is true, but so little loss had occurred; it didn’t warrant the drama.

Still, she bought all the eyeglasses paraphernalia: the tiny, tiny screwdriver that you lose if you lay down and can’t find without your glasses, which are dirty, so you clean them sixteen times a day, with a special cloth and spray that looks and smells like water but bubbles, so you pay $2.50 for a tiny, tiny bottle of it, warned each visit by the eye doctor that rubbing them dry will cause scratches. It’s ridiculous, but one pays a high price for vision; and she paid $100 for frames that made her look and feel like a hot schoolteacher.

Friday, February 15, 2008

Undergraduate Freedom

It's been only recently that I have understood the term "being present" in oneself. I never thought about it until probably last year, so I was 26 years old when I guess, you could say, I first realized that I wasn't fully present to myself. And as I age (and live), I see so much of me I've yet to question and carry toward salvation (by a God who lives in me and is me). Nihilism? Nietzsche, Whitman, Dylan, and me, I guess. According to some, it's possible, through religion, to find freedom amid these circumstances; it is to one's knees she should go to transcend the dialectic. I can't help but remember, since it's in my history and all, that I've tried going to my knees--in all possible senses of that phrase--and found myself perpetually shafted. Pardon me while I stand up.

On marriage, I have so little to say, and I guess that's because my marriages were both so short and destructive to my wellbeing that I am a bitter, jaded divorcee whose misery loves company and whose woe, I guess, would be me. In truth, if our present social gaiety could produce but a handful of truly happy marriages -- if they're Christian, that's even better, since they're free and all -- then I might reconsider God's omniscience and get back on my knees where I belong.

Probably not, since now I've totally fucked the whole concept up for myself and all reading. It gives an entirely dueterocanonical connotation to the art of geneflux.

Enough of this dribbling diatribe. I've a tower to shake.